God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
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