Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
