I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
