You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
