I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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