So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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