tequila makes me forget i have legs
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Houston, we have a squirter
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
