you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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