I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
