If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
