He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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