I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
