Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
