My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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