sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
