i just sent this text using only my big toe
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
