Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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