my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
