Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
