When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
