You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
