OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
