I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
