last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
