We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
