I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
