you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
