My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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