day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
