i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
