There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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