so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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