i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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