so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
