toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
