If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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