Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
