he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
