I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
