if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Randomize
