Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
