I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
