Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
