Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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