my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
