There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
