I will die if light touches me.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
