I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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