see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
