So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
